Bitch, Brat and Beautiful

such point in one's life?!

2004-11-21T10:30:00.000-08:00

the other day, a friend asked me how am i... for some, it really is a question that could be easily answered... for me?! whew... it took me minutes...

how am i? this is the very same answer that i told my friend... "still survivin but lonely"... as a reply, my friend once again asked... "because of boys na naman?"

i know it is really pathetic or better yet lame to make that as my reason... others might say that there are a lot of much greater reasons why i should be lonely... "mas mahirap pa sa dinaranas ko" as my friend, chel, puts it...

well, i guess being 19 and all... being exposed more and more to the real world... i really believe that there would come a time that the company of your family and friends wouldnt be enough... i find myself searching for something lacking... a better half...

i am thinkin maybe i am just pressured to have one for almost all my friends have one... but like i have always believed... one thing cannot be necessarily applicable to another...

right now, i just pray that this so called- "loneliness" can be fulfilled by God's grace... i am lookin forward to that time wherein i can enjoy what i have as is and be happy with the simplest of things...

the search is on...

2004-11-05T13:28:00.000-08:00

i just updated my friendster account and ive decided to post my personal online journal there so feel free to read and comment to each entry... anyway... my beloved friends find it really amazing that i dont have a boyfriend as of the moment more so they just love being updated about my current status in the "love scene"

so guys... the moment you've been waiting for.. NOTHING!!!! yep... no suitor, not even anybody special... sorry to disappoint you guys but thats simple and plain REALITY!!!

you can come up with a lot of fucked up reasons why this is happening to me... but yeah i do am picky when it comes to guys... why? coz primarily i dont want somebody i cannot find myself really comfortable with... who wants somebody sablay anyway...

ok, ok, maybe i do have high standards but it isnt confined anymore to chinese ateneans... ok, conio chinese ateneans... grrr... rich, conio, chinese mestizo ateneans... now, im open to alot of possibilitities... things do change for me...

well what do i really want? well ive been writing about this topic over and over but it seems damn endless... ok... here it goes... again...

id be honest, somebody who has the looks... not naman the drop dead gorgeous type but somebody who pays attention in a normal, guy way to his face and bod... presentable so to speak... somebody who can carry himself well...

ok, the dau ming sz type... not just the physical looks though but somebody who can really be your knight... somebody who can make you feel like a princess... somebody who is flexible... kahit tambay lang kami sa kanto, he'd still have a blast... somebody who adores kids... a kid by heart... somebody who would love my family and somebody who has the same relationship with his family...

we have to meet intellectually and also maturely... he has to be really patient with me... and somebody who still believes in the "getting to know stage" before becoming a couple...

well, theres a lot more but its much better if youd find out for yourself by geting to know me...

applicants, anyone? just text me or find a way to meet me or to get my number... basta do the moves...

the search is on!!! ;p

**********

2004-10-29T11:30:00.001-07:00

i dont know if posting this paper i did is right... it would take a lot of courage and it is a pride swallowing siege that i could never imagine... but hey... i got a 99.5 grade here so it has the right to be here...

to the guy, that served as my inspiration here... please dont read this... but seriously thanks for the inspiration... you got me a high grade... hehehe....

A Phenomenological Paper on Dating

I know for sure that this experience I would be sharing is very common to girls and boys or should I say to ladies and gentlemen coming from different parts of the world. Narrating it is fun and easy like a walk in the park, sharing a cheesy story with your best bud or cracking a lame joke to a gal pal. This occurred to me a few weeks ago after an unexpected break up. I was texting a guy friend one night and suddenly it came to me that I wanted to go out, have fun and meet new people. That is when this experience of mine all started. From that guy friend of mine, I met Mr. New Guy, he exchanged our numbers, let me see the guy’s picture posted in Friendster and eventually we started texting. After days of trying to know more about each other thru SMS, he finally asked me to go out with him and meet. We met on a Saturday Night over coffee and a late night movie screening. We met in ATC by 9 pm and we both decided to head off to Greenbelt instead. The long drive from Alabang to Makati was awkward for the both of us because we don’t usually go out in that fashion, you know meeting and going out on the same day. But nevertheless, it was fun because we both found out that we like the same kind of music e.g. John Mayer and we both love cars and coffee. After a long drive and an excruciating search for a parking slot, we finally got to sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee. While we wait for our screening time, which was at 12 am, we realized we had two hours in counting to chat or do whatever. We talked about a lot of things like school, gimmicks, our common friend, hobbies, sports, girls and guys. Our conversation went smoothly so much so that we both found ourselves laughing and nodding in agreement with most of the things we talked about. Finally at 12 am, we watched the last full show of Spiderman 2 with excitement. We were both so psyched about the movie that we are glued to our seats and eyes straight on the big screen. At 2 am, after a breathless ending, we decided to go homeward bound and enjoy the last hour of our date. We were still talking on our way home about each others lives, sharing each others experience but we never got to talk about our so called date. By 3 am, we pulled off in front of my place and bid each other goodbye. After our first date, we still do talk and just recently we went out with friends to watch Gary Valenciano in concert.

This would be the primary experience that I would ponder and analyze in a sense.
I have to disregard my impressions about Mr. New Guy meaning exclude the superficialities, how clean and hygienic he is, his cute face hidden behind those glasses, nice smile, his physique and his undeniable nice scent. I have to think of this guy as your typical guy, a date. I would also set aside my personal view that the reason people date is because it is their means in trying to find a chance at love. I have to keep in mind that this is just a plain date where in the both of us are mere participants. I have to also remember that the both of us have different reasons why we date. I also have to suspend my feelings about this guy, that he could be the one, that he is really nice and a total package deal so that I could address this experience fairly.

With all my biases or prejudices suspended, I have to consider what is general and invariant. I have to know the reason behind dating, why do people date? I need to see the sole reason of dating, therefore its essence. It is possible that I dated him because he seemed to be nice according to my guy friend. Coming from our common friend, trusting his judgment in giving me a guy to go out with can be one of the reasons. But still this is just an incidental factor. A lot of my friends introduce me to guys I can go out with but I don’t usually end up dating them. Maybe I went out with this guy because he has passed my standards so far. From the descriptions given, his Friendster picture and finally meeting him, he is totally different from the guys I used to date. And mind you we share a lot of things in common. This can be enough reason why but still it is not the essence. Can it be because I was mending a broken heart? Possible but not close enough. Not everybody who dates is broken hearted.

I can think of a lot of reasons why but there would only be one essence why I date. The essence of this date is for companionship. Considering that we both are not in a relationship, Companionship would mean exploring new things or a new setting or letting go of the past and starting anew. In this case, it is to know somebody new. Somebody wherein you can share your interests and passion with and need not be somebody you have to impress. A companion in a sense that you are comfortable with and where there is no pressure to rush things. Dating would be the venue to get to know both parties deeper and to form that companionship. To start with, we both shared who we really are slowly, without pretensions and hesitations that is why we had a good conversation. We also share the same passion and interests, first in late night movies, John Mayer and coffee. Later on, we still went along well that is why I got him to attend Gary Valenciano’s concert with me knowing that guys don’t dig this. Imagine a guy attending a praise and worship oriented concert without inhibitions or second thoughts.

To reflect, do I really believe that I went out with this guy because of companionship? Or it is just safe for me to put things in that sense for it will be too presumptuous or assuming of me? If I believe that I dated this guy because of companionship, is it right to say that as of the moment I do not think of him as a possible boyfriend? Or am I open to the possibility that I might send him the wrong message, that since it is about companionship, that there would be no possibility for us to be together someday? If he weren’t somebody who passed my standards, would I still have gone out with him? Can companionship lead to a strong sense of friendship or a strong sense of love? On his part, he might think of all these differently. Can the definition of companionship be the same? Or maybe, he also wants companionship first and who knows where that could lead. Is it correct to say that he just went out with me because I was referred by a friend? With all these queries or inquiries, where would these all lead and how would things turn about?

I am very much sure that before I learned and made use of the phenomenological method, dating for me is primarily to find a boyfriend, a chance at love. I realized that I see dating in the surface level. To the extent, that I wont date a guy without being assured that it would turn out as I wanted it. But now, I see dating in a new light. I see the true meaning of companionship in it. It need not be something you have to be assured of, you just have to put your faith in it. You just let things happen according to God’s plan. Just let the real you manifest. If this is what you really are then strut it.

Phenomenological Method made me see that dating that guy makes me a winner in a sense. Why? because I am building a strong sense of companionship with him. I may not know what will happen next but in one way or another I get to have a friend or maybe someday a compatible partner.

on the topic of maturity...

2004-10-29T11:30:00.000-07:00

a friend of mine once asked me to define what maturity is... he asked me that for he thinks that i was the first one to "mature" in the gang... i find it real hard to answer the question for i felt i wasnt really in the position... i felt i have only experienced certain things in life but it wasnt enough to justify my so called "maturity"

is maturity really related to age? i guess partly it is, coz it is expected that development in all aspects should occur once you get older... that is why there is such presence of growth... growth is a "move forward" thing... growth=forward=maturity...

does maturity necessarily mean being able to experience things earlier than expected? like sex, drugs, smoking, alcohol and other "adult" related activities? i say in a way it can be a factor why you are considered mature... for im pretty sure that people learn from these experiences... its how they handled these experiences that make the mature...

i can go on and on answering the questions in mind of my friend about maturity but what i can truly say even profess about maturity is that it is being able to make responsible decisions and choices in which at anytime you should be able to stand up for it eventhough it was wrong... being brave enough to accept the consequences each action entails... furthermore being able to learn positively from it and move forward...

bezzy and my new found friends...

2004-10-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

i've been meaning to write about my guy bestfriend whose name is Ivan. Ivan is my "bezzy" since 2nd yr high, actually i call him "best" along with my other close friends during our Bloomfield days...

i never thought that we would end up being best friends for i perceived him as "masungit" before... yun pala... he totally isnt... what;'s good about my bezzy is that we share the same interests... although nowadays clubbing isnt his thing... chillin at coffee shops and shopping is included in both our lists... we also like going round and round BF even if we just end up goin to our friends' places... we also like to bum around, eat and of course cook... we love cooking and baking... from the hotdogs, to kare-kare and pasta... oh and brownies... we'd still have a blast doin that...

i can cite a lot of reasons why we became bestfriends but the one thing that is really worth mentioning is that he accepted me and still accepts me no matter what... he is not judmental even if i have done things i even could not imagine doin... he listens to me with patience and he is there always... he is one of the people who gives me renewed strength, he is one of the people who changed my view in life postively... he is one of the proofs that i have in keepin my faith in God...

bezzy, i just want you to know that i will always be here for you. i dont wanna see you down and also i dont want you to experience the things i did just because of bad judgment or stupidity... im proud, really, of your "new identity" and this would just make our friendship deeper and stronger!

on another note, through my bezzy, i met new friends namely jumine and alex... they have the same interests as we have and we are really getting along well... both of them are graduates of marymount... jumine is a 3rd yr nursing student from olivarez, and alex is from u.e...

i met them last tuesday and we went on a gimik last saturday... i had the chance to bond with jumine... girls night out... we went to halo... though walang boys... it definitely was worth it for the both of us...

im lookin forward to good times with you guys! Cheers to that!

sitting here alone on a friday...

2004-10-22T12:33:00.000-07:00

geez... im bored... its sembreak but im here stuck at home... i miss the party scene... god, i miss a lot of things... oh... what the heck? i suppose i can find some fun things to do while at home... in house party perhaps?

"a man's gotta do, what a man's gotta do!" well, that would surely apply to me... im 70% sure of my plan to go to canada... its something i really have to think about but like i said its for my future... awww... i have to go my bezzy is here... later...

........

2004-10-13T21:30:00.000-07:00

hmmm.... its so weird im finding myself speechless for the first time... im running out of things to say... normally, im miss opinionated but now... whew.... i cant even organize my thoughts... i dont know where to start... well, maybe the problem is that all my life i talk, talk and talk... its about time that i listen... and you know, get to hear what other people might say and extract something meaningful out of it...

i had a chat with my "ampon", gretch, so to speak... hehe... and i found myself once again airing out my sad stories... :( well, something she said struck me... its true, im finding it hard to adjust and move on because i have planned my life in accordance to mike's and so when he left, i found myself back to zero... finding it hard to pick up the pieces... its hard that all your life you're used to planning everything and when something gets screwed, you already dont know how to get back on the right track... i just wish ill get over with this soon... coz damn its tiring...

god, i dont know if what im writing even makes sense... anyway, tomorrow is my dad's b-day... HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!! woohoo!!! but the party is on the 16th... so right now, im just busy planning and preparing for it...

i dont know what else to say... oh! watched my all time favorite movie a while ago... JERRY MAGUIRE!! Show me the money!! hehe... god, that line, "you complete me" the best talaga!!! oh well, before i get teary eyed and mushy... till here na lang muna... nytie...

realizations...

2004-10-11T22:52:00.000-07:00

whew! its another manic monday for all of us. 1st day of my finals, had a test a while ago... art appreciation... i dont know if i did well or what but nevertheless im done with that... over the weekend obviously i just stayed home... no gimiks whatsoever... i have been out of the social scene lately... i dont even know whats hip and happening nowadays... but its ok coz like ive said before i am already getting tired of doing the same old thing... there is nothing new happening... same happening, same faces, same trippings... its about time that i venture on other things... important things like career, my future...

last saturday i found myself sobbing like a baby for i have so many realizations and that includes regrets... so its a good thing my best buds came to the rescue to console me and help me get back on the right track...

assessing one self is hard for you really have to look deeper and you have to be realistic in such a way that youre mind should be open to a lot of possibilities... i found myself in denial of the "new me" and this new me is something i should not be proud of... this new me is somebody i am not...

change is inevitable in this world but you have to be sure that this change is right... thats what i have learned from my best buds... do not be afraid of change but change for the better... you change because you want to and nobody would be accounted for that but only you...
i have changed partly for the betterment of me but partly because i wanted revenge... i wanted to prove something to this person who has hurt me a lot... but what i forgot is to love myself... making myself happy and contented... i forgot that i dont need to live my life in accordance to his... this is my life and nobody can take that away...

speaking of my life, my decisions, i am planning to leave the country soon... its just a plan so its not 100% sure but i wanted it to happen thats why im preparing for it as early as now... after my second year of nursing, im off to L.A. or Montreal... its something that i need to do career wise... its something different and new to me of course but im not getting any younger anyway... its an opportunity worth taking... so my friends, i wont say goodbye to you yet... wish me luck though... nytie!!!!

waiting in vain

2004-10-09T11:55:00.000-07:00

god!!! i have so many things to do, requirements to pass, papers to finish and tons of tests to prepare for...why? oviously its finals week for us... oh well, its ok coz after an excruciating week, its... SEM BREAK!!!! yes folks, sem break!!! woohooo!!! here comes the party, nonstop gimmicks, late night hang-out, exciting chill outs and boys, boys, boys!!!!

speaking of boys, there is this particular boy, guy, man, hunk or whatever the term may be that has captured my attention, interest, concern and the best of all my... LOVE!

when you love a person you are willing to sacrifice a lot for him right... well, if sacrificing would mean waiting... that's one thing i am willing to do... but if you found yourself not talking to the guy for months now, you have no idea what he is doing, whether he has somebody else and where the hell he is exactly, is that worth the wait?

i need assurance to be able to wait... if he would ask me to, i would... so here i am waiting in vain for his love... i really dont know if the part where he said "we have to do our obligations first" would mean that we should live our lives separately first? does that mean just for this moment? temporarily? but what if i lived my life in accordance to that, can that life of mine lead to his?

damn, love is so complicated i guess you just have to do what you need to do first... if its gonna happen. if its meant, well... it would happen...

a friend of mine told me the other day that a man's word is very powerful... every single word you say can happen especially if you mean it... that is why if you mean well, then profess strongly what you wanna happen... if that's true well then.." sana ma-inlove sakin si k--- v------!!!or sana bumalik na si mike and we can be together na... haay...

speaking of which, the other day another friend asked me what's my ideal guy? hmmm... well, he has to be good looking... presentable... (hey, girls dig guys who are like that) but beyond the good looks... its the intellect and sense of humor... somebody who has sense plus somebody you can laugh and joke around with... its also important for him to be patient... coz with the type of girl that i am, he would be needing a lot of that... of course that is only a few of the characteristics but nevertheless he should know how to love... coz from there everyhing would follow...

chez, chez, and more chez...

2004-09-30T22:37:00.000-07:00

as much as i want to post here regularly, lack of time and a lot of school commitments inhibit me to do so... :c but nevertheless here i am sharing my so called life to you guys again... ok... last, last sunday, my bestfriend of all time, chez, went back from the states so we hooked up and of course went onto gimiks as usual... last, last week we were always in madocs vill, like fools driving round and round hoping we could have a glimpse of chez' crush named kris... apparently, a friend of mine lives in the same village... he also knows somebody named kris who happened to be his kabarkada... the problem is we dont know if we are pertaining to the same person... enough of that, (ang gulo mo kasi chez!)

i was supposed to be in ponti with chez last saturday night but i refused because i dont feel like goin out, at around past 3 i woke up from a weird dream... i was driving, north bound, then i saw a car from the south bound lane, which got into an accident... i woke up textin every single friend i knew who went out that night... unfortunately, it was chez who got into an accident. good thing nothing serious happened to him. i just cant believe that with the amount of liquor he drank that time would make him unable to focus at the road... bottom line is that we assume somebody mixed something in his drinks that night... i just couldnt believe that it would happen in ponti... had the same experience in that place before though... more stories next time... nytie!!!

MOTCHI!!!

2004-09-21T19:05:00.000-07:00

mike's back! he's back into my life! and yes i want him again! as my boyfriend, fiance even husband and father of my kids!! i love him so much and he loves me that much too. i knew him since i was 14 for god sakes! that long. though were not formally we again but im very sure that its him i like and its him ill wait for. he had a meeting yesterday... he's so kawawa coz the dinner served were veggies... he texted me saying he's starving and its as if they were rabbits... hehehe!! he missed my cooking... poor him... awww... hes always tired from work though so we only get to spend an hour or two for each other... i remembered before i wanted to go with him sa office... what will i do naman there right? my stupidity again... oh well... i love mike!!! that mike who loves big macs and large french fries with tons of ketchup and an upsize Sprite!!! i miss him... things are different now... he has tons of obligations... he's not the jologs na Atenistang pakalatkalat sa Katips... hehe!!! yung batang gusgusin na papasok sa Ate ng di pa naliligo... eeewww... hahaha!!! im not the spoiled brat he used to know... na kapag we have fights iyak ng iyak... hehe... things changed... but my love for him wouldnt!!! love, wo ai ni!!! muah!!!

hedonistic...

2004-09-15T21:28:00.000-07:00

yep, thats how i describe myself nowadays...sad to say... hedonism... hmmm... look, i searched it pa...
Philosophy: The ethical doctrine holding that only what is pleasant or has pleasant consequences is intrinsically good.
Psychology :The doctrine holding that behavior is motivated by the desire for pleasure and the avoidance of pain.
i guess people have the tendency to be this way especially if you are hurting too much to the extent that you seek what is good and you try to conceal your problems through this... its a good thing though that i have come to my senses that things should not go the way i have been treating things lately... like what my friend elaine used to tell me... concealing your problems by engaging to things that you think makes you happy all the more just aggravates the problem... you guys know the real Kristine, id rather go to sleep than drink, party and stay all night till morning in bars... but you see what i have been doin? i thought kasi i could be happy this way... i guess in a short period of time i was but that was all there is actually... i suppose i wasnt able to maintain what you call equilibrium in my life...

on the contrary, the band lacuna coil rocks!!! watch the video swamped coz its my fave. go to www.launch.yahoo.com and youll be able to find it there. btw, i dont have plans this weekend... sana may maginvite... or may event worth goin to... ofcourse it should purely be clean fun!!! so long!!

exhale...

2004-09-14T18:10:00.000-07:00

yesterday i was watching this movie with whitney houston in it... i dont know what the title was but it featured her song "exhale"... it just struck me thats why i thought i should write it down and share somethin about it... here's some part of the song that i find worth mentioning...

Everyone falls in love sometime
Sometimes its wrong, sometimes its right
For every win, someone must fail
But there comes a point were
When we exhale...

exhale... dont take it literally though and it would connote a lot of possible meanings to ya... for me, it means a point in your life where you could feel you are ok... you are at peace, stable and possibly happy... i guess im just waitin for that time where i could "exhale"... the time wherein i know that things would go well no matter what... the time where you could really smile and laugh knowin that its really what you feel... the time where you would fear not the problems you might encounter...

Sometimes you laugh, sometimes you cry
Life never tells us, the whens or why
When you've got friends to wish you well
There comes a point when
You will exhale

im the type of person who never stops asking... im very inquisitive by nature but come to think of it maybe its not really the questions in life that would matter... its the answer... how you respond to it... im very grateful for the people who are wishin me well... ill be honest in telling everybody that i havent been proud of what i have been doin this past few months but then again i know "there comes a point when... i would exhale" i just have to set that in mind always...

if youre searching for a place you know
A familiar face,somewhere to go
You should look inside yourself
Youre halfway there

I dont have to depend my life to other people, i know where i should go, i know what would make myself happy... i maybe at lost now but i know that i could always find my way back because the very answer lies within me...

sad, lonely, alone, depressed, miserable!!!

2004-09-13T17:41:00.000-07:00

yup, that's what im feelin nowadays. everywhere i go there are a lot of problems... problems, problems and many more problems... haay... when will this all end? a lot of people have been tellin me that i am lucky... i have everything na daw... but why is it that i dont feel like such? i am not happy... its like there is nobody i could turn to... i dont know who are my true friends anymore... i dont know whats happening with my mom and dad... my midterm grades are lower than i expected... haay... god even my reputation is an issue... what did i do wrong? im sick and tired of feelin this way... i need help... i dont know, maybe i need someone who can make me feel secured and all... someone who could make me see the bright side ... someone who i can really turn to... i found that someone already but he doesnt know that he serves that purpose to me... all i could say to him is that he makes me matino... damn... or maybe i need to be alone talaga... its only me who can solve all this... i am just counting on a miracle... god help me...

saturday night... at home...

2004-09-12T17:21:00.000-07:00

nothing special happened to me yesterday even today... just attended this psych seminar that we have in the am then went home straight... good thing i got to talk and bond with my childhood bestfriend... missy... i told her everything that i felt i had to share... that talk with her made me realize that true friends dont scrutinize another person, they dont even judge a person... haay... that was even the sermon of the priest kanina... we use daw magnifying glasses in looking at people... oh well... that's life... tomorrow is another day... i hope this week would go well for me...

lately ive been used to goin out every weekend so it was really awkward staying at home during these days... but i got sick of it... i guess no gimiks for me muna... time to do something worthwhile naman... focus on other priorities... i dont want to be meeting new guys first either... im tired of playing the game na din kc... now its just wait and see for me... besides Mr. New Guy is still here with me... atleast i COULD COUNT ON HIM!

thank you's

2004-09-10T19:32:00.000-07:00

this has been a bad week for me... to add up to that it is also an emotional one... but i am writing this to thank the people who has been there for me... if not for them i may not have realized things and i may not have the strength to endure my problems...

to my parents:
Ma and Pa, the conversation we had over dinner the other day made me stronger. it made me realize that you are the only ones that i could turn to anytime, no matter what... my love and prayers are always with you...

to my sister and brothers:
You guys inspire me to do what is right and to know my limitations. Anna, my sister, thank you for the advices, you understand me for you have experienced the same thing before, i say good luck to you.both in your career and also regarding Pao-pao. may things work out for you. Jay, i wish you the best especially that soon you'll be in college. like i always pray, may you and kevin remain to be our angels... please treat the girls you'd be encountering with utmost respect for that is what a true man is...

to my bestfriend, Ivan Deveza:
Best thank you for listening. thank you for being there. thank you for your presence. im glad i have you as my bestfriend. BRAVO COMPANY THE BEST!!! hehehe

to Shau... my baby sister:
Thank you for understanding me. i may have kept a lot of things from you for i fear you may not understand but i was wrong. you never judged me. you still accepted me for who i am. thanks gurl!

to Jeff dichiosa, homie:
thank you for being a trusted friend! thank you sa support. good luck tsong!! wag ka na magpasuspend.

to Mommy Anne, Faith, Ina, Trish and Therese:
thanks for welcoming me back after everything...

to Ahia, mark:
we seldom talk nowadays but youre mere presence reminds me to do what i should. thanks for giving me the chance to know one of the best guy friends that i have now.

to k---,
thank you for being there. thank you for welcoming me in your life. thanks for being that one person who makes me believe that there are still good guys around!

to Elaine, chuy:
i wish you happiness. thank you for keeping your promise that you wont ever leave me. thank you.

to motchi, Mike:
i may not see you... things are complicated between the both of us but thank you for everything... my heart is with you as always...

my thank you's are not enough for the things you have done for me... God is really good for He gave you all to me and that for sure is enough reason to live...

a letter to a FRIEND????!!!!!

2004-09-10T18:29:00.000-07:00

you told me that you want me to realize things on my own. you think you're so damn perfect not to even see what the fuck is wrong with you. i curse you for making my life seem all the more hard! its too bad that we both have decided to live our lives separately! you go live your life, i go with mine. you were the one who told me never to look down onto myself! you told me not to give a damn on what other people might think for they dont know me! but it turns out that you of all people were the 1st ones to misjudged me. is that a friend? thats how you define friendship!

i am telling you that never would i regret not making the first move to solve this! and even if i find myself in the deepest darkness, i will never depend on you! furthermore, ill prove to you that youre the one in the losing end not me!! i guess this is goodbye for us! thank you for making me realize that i can be happy even without you!!!

Its been a while!!!!

2004-08-27T20:33:00.000-07:00

whoa! its been a month since i last posted here. a lot opf things has happened to me the whole month. mike went back here but we werent able to see each other and talk... i still do miss and love him but a part of me strongly says that i should let go of him first... things are real complicated with the two of us kasi... problems and all... haay... I met 3 new guys this month, all from csb, walang kwenta lahat... the last i met was introduced to me by another friend... he seems ok but im looking forward to see the real him... and i mean the real him... i hope its different this time... fuck guys talaga!!! even mr. New Guy... haay... were not romantically linked to each other... he likes somebody else... sus... im so stupid... he's not naman gwapo and all but damn he doesnt like me at all?!!! haay... but atleast im a good friend... bahala siya!!! di ko siya kakausapin muna... hehe... im so childish... oh well my lesson this month is that it is better to BUILD GOOD FRIENDSHIPS!!! after that who knows what it can lead to right? catch up with you guys soon. muuuuaaaaahhhh!!!

psssttt!!!

2004-07-29T17:02:00.000-07:00

ey! just got home from school... i had a long day as in... 3 hours of chem lab?! grabe!!! oh well, it was fun... i got nga an iodine stain sa hands... badtrip! kulit pa nila jeff, ,my blockmate... nagbabasaan... hahaha! last night nga pala i met na naman a guy... from global... so nursing din... he has this cute word... cutiepatootie... hahaha!! and he called me that... nakakaaliw... you know what, its a good thing that i am meeting a lot of people... atleast my perspective widens... and also sarap din ng may madaming friends... friendster!!! i had a fight nga pala with elaine, my good friend, so were not talking at all but kaninang 2 am she called ata... la lang... di ko na napansin e... so yun... just giving her the freedom to do whatever and besides i have my own life now... have to be out of mike's shadows... but i still do miss him... iba pa rin when your deeply in love with that person... it wont fade... friday na tomorrow but i still dont know where to go on saturday, dami din kasi nagooffer ng gimik... its hard to choose... haay... oh well... i have nothing more to say... ill be watching tv first... byers! mmuuaahh!

time of the month...

2004-07-28T18:02:00.000-07:00

i got my period today... sobrang irritating coz im wearing my uniform, e di ba white pa naman... have to be extra careful... we were supposed to perform our newscasting in Filipino today but there were technical problems thats why di natuloy... i brought pa naman a big bag for my clothes... haay... bummer!!! as usual had art app in the morning, we painted, as an activity. god, i hate our prof there!!! taklesa plus sarcastic... as if she's all that, yeah... yeah... shes a UP grad but its OH NO!! when it comes to pronunciation and grammar!!! d*** her!!! what does she expect us to do in like an hour? stupid!!! oh well, enough about her... its been days since mike mailed... la lang... i wonder what he is doing... oh i might watch king arthur if its still showing on Saturday with a guy friend... so it isnt a date!!! forgot to mention, kaninang 3 am my sister and i drove my dad all the way to the airport... he's going out of town so FREEDOM!!! for us here... hahahaha!!! grabe i was wide awake kanina... unlike anna she was disoriented, muntik ng mabangga kami... accident prone ata ami... i was eating a slice of chocolate cake pa kanina... weird! at 3 am? whoa! nakakahiya pa, we were on our pantulogs pa when we drove there... astig!! who cares anyway?!! you have to see the airport during those times... parang di airport!!! its like a sleeping airport... hahaha!!! btw, in philo... we discussed about exitentialism, so its about ones existence... i dont know if its normal but its as if i the only one in class who doesnt know yet pa whats my purpose here, oh well have daw to read the purpose driven life book but then again its just somebody elses view.. in the end youll still have to figure it out... i guess it will happen in due time... ganun din with me and relationships... in due time... i dont want to find myself naman na papalitpalit ng boyfriend... i just want na yung bf ko, siya na din hubby ko... hahaha!! about Mr. New Guy, i just figured that there is no romantic link between us... the guy told me he isnt ready pa daw for a rel... haay... but its ok coz we're good friends and thats more than enough... pero sometimes he shows signs... its magulo actually... i just wish that everything would go smoothly... ayoko ng maging sad... its so hard being lonely... i dont wanna be alone no more... i need someont to call my own... need someone who cares about me... need someone to fulfill my dreams... :c... gotta go!! mmuaaah!

what happened today...

2004-07-27T17:23:00.000-07:00

i was late for my chem lecture kanina coz ang slow ko magprepare for school... 1 hour isnt enough for me... eh i started fixin myself pa around 10, my class is 11. good thing i did well in my chem tests so that made me feel so good... last night i was talking to kiwi and i was enjoying talaga our conversation... it made me remember this stupidity me and my friend did... we were so sama then... but things are dift now... i hope... hahaha... btw, i dont know whats happening to me kanina, i slipped kanina and muntik pa ko mahulog sa chair... god im disoriented na ata talaga... as usual nothing special happened today so wala ako makwento sa inyo... i dont know if il have a gimik this saturday kasi gumimik nako di ba? oh my ahia nga pala told me pangit daw ung cat woman... haay well have to watch it first to know... gotta go...i have nothing more to say... i just miss mike i guess...

ordinary day...

2004-07-26T20:32:00.000-07:00

nothing special happened to me today, went to school and did the usual stuff... i got a low score in my prelim test in art app, my fault naman coz i did not study well... good thing i saw LJ, this gwapo 8 yrs old kid na crush ko... haha... pedophile... oh well, its hard to post regularly here coz dame kailangan gawin... and VEA, i feel na yung laziness na sinasabi mo... im running out of things to say... i watched nga pala kanina 4o days and 40 nights... like i said wala nang matinong guys ngayon but it made me think i guess you can make a one through had work and effort... haay... anyway, i have to study na din. till tomorrow... oh about Mr. New Guy, he's still unpredictable. Very mysterious... have to go... mmmuuaaahh!

on thy faith...

2004-07-25T16:51:00.000-07:00

hi im back... got enough sleep na, ate na din and of course took a reinvigorating bath... anyway just put the phone down, talked to my best, IVAN, weve talked about a lot of things and one topic worth mentioning is about faith and religion. im a catholic, every member of my family is catholic so in short it runs in the family. Religion is one thing that we dont get to choose at first hand right? so my best and i were contemplating about how that sucks! but when you reach the right age naman you can always choose what religion suits you... oh well we were talking about the difference between my CCF experience and my Catholic experience. i just told him that i like CCF's approach in worshipping and praising God coz its much personal. I felt more welcomed in their community than in my own catholic community. Everybody knows everyone and they are very hospitable and welcoming to new comers like me. i have to point out that they are not converting me nor am i seeking conversion so im just talking about this in terms of preference. i appreciate their worship and praising more coz they dont fail to relate every teaching in personal and realistic experiences. There are also a lot of praising, preaching and the fun parts the sharing and singing. Actually, im in the stage wherein my faith is at storm but nevertheless i still believe in Him. Like what i told best, as of now id rather sing and dance my heart out for the Lord coz i express myself more and im much sincere in doing such. when i sing, i mean it more, i feel it. so thats my means as of now in the application of my faith. I pray though but not regularly. And if i do pray, its like talking to somebody. E.G. "Lord thank you po.." thats it. simple but i mean it. I know my spirituality has to be rekindled but for sure it will happen in God's own time. Anyway, im planning to go to HK in august for an international conference for students. im still in the process of deciding but i dont wanna miss it coz its a rare opportunity... so... wish me luck... thats it for now... have to go... try to post later... mmuuuaaah!

???????????

2004-07-25T12:18:00.000-07:00

ey guys i failed to post last night coz i went out with my friend tin, from southville, we went to nico moreno's party ... did the usual stuff... tambay, drink, smoke... kaen... oh i didnt smoke btw... it was fun but awkward at first because i tagged along with tin lang... but nevertheless all of the people there were really nice and cool esp. nico's dad,sobrang cool parent! nakikiparty with us... oh well lucky nico and rachel... actually as i write this i only had like hours of sleep coz i went home by 7 am na... i told na kasi my parents that id go overnight... hassle na kasi if id wake people up at the wee hours of the am... i dont feel good about it though coz napaka surface level lang nung happiness and good time ko when i was there... i mean it was just my means to ease my loneliness and problems... i miss mike terribly... but for now we really have to go separate ways... i also had a fight with my good friend elaine, in a way i dont regret it coz i want to ease her burden of looking after me esp when im like this, stubborn and insane... like how i entitled this blog... i am a self acclaimed bitch in one way or another... everybody naman has their own way of being a bitch... im a brat too coz i want things to go my way at all times... id do anythin and i mean anythin just to get what i want... haay... when will this all end... all the miseries i hide... oh well about Mr. New Guy... we dont often talk, its understandable coz we have 2 dift worlds... it sucks coz i have to initiate things to be able to talk to him... bummer ryt? but i also sense na maybe he's just the type of guy wherein he doesnt like texting or calling people up... he'd rather meet them personally so i guess yayain ko na lang somewhere?!! i met somebody real nice nga pala in the party last night... guy from CSB, taking up HRIM!! impressive! you know why? hes damn rich to afford like more than 50 thou tuition fee, trimestral pa yun in CSB plus a guy that cooks, bakes, mixes drinks and does a whole lot more in the kitchen!!! nice!!! gotta go... im hungry na talaga... i feel puro alcohol laman ng tiyan ko... mmmuuuaaahhh! later...

to go or not to go?!!

2004-07-24T15:51:00.000-07:00

just arrived from school... whole morning till mid afternoon shooting for our video presentation... im soooo tired... i might go out pa tonight... wait up... for my a.c. friends... sorry i turned down your invitation for the AC concert last nyt... i missed parokya and mojo fly... anyway im just contemplating whether id go out tonight or matulog na lang... id love to go to makati and just chill... i miss greenbelt na... hahaha... oh just recently i was there with a guy friend watchin Spiderman 2... we were talking and he noticed me staring at somethin... which are the chandeliers... i love those chandeliers and i think that it is just worth mentioning that they are BELGIAN DROP CHANDELIERS which are way damn expensive... im with a guy friend worth staring at but my attention was with the chandeliers... nice... try staring at it and youd be so amazed and for sure youll be in a daze... hahaha!!! ok? san ba ako pupunta, atc? greenbelt or a friends debut... well... i dont know... i guess im sleeping first and well see later so guys bye for now and for my friend VEA, yeah im addicted to bloggin and i know a day comes that this would be out of my system... haay... pagod... mmmmmuuuaaahhh... later, wait for the next Mr. New Guy 102

Trip down memory lane ( sa palengke)

2004-07-24T09:40:00.000-07:00

hey guys!! morning!! i have decided that id post here 3 times a day, yep... am, afternoon and evening coz i really wanna share a lot of things to you guys and its tough remembering every experience in one sitting... i just finished eating breakfast, the typical spam, rice andmilk combos. actually Saturday is a market day for our family coz we buy most of our food, veggies and fruits in the palengke to last in a week!!! so im gonna tell you about my first palengke experience... its in the Zapote Market... the one that was burned down now... oh well its the market in the alabang- zapote road junction... ok i was a kiddo then... just wanted to go with my mom of course and we brought along the maid... i still clearly remember the car we used , its our old car, a precious car for my dad, a red Toyota Starlet... hahaha!! its with my Tito Manny now though but those were the days... Anyway, as a kid in a new place, you cant help but wonder of, which side sells the meat, ba't mabaho?!! hahaha!! i was covering my face the whole time coz i cant stand the smell...i was smelling my mom's shirt coz i was hugging her the whole time...also being an observant and maldita kid, i told my mom out loud," Ma, kadiri dito. Kadiri na yang pagkain!!" See? ang arte ko!! hahaha! i thought my dilemma was over coz my mom was wrapping things up but to my dismay... guess what? my foot fell off the "pusali", the one with the black, icky water with garbage and god forbid strange looking thingies in it... YUCKY!!!! as in the whole foot, lubog... i cried kaya... i thought my mom would pity me but you know what she did, pinalo niya ako... and shouted," Anak, ang tanga-tanga mo!!" i dont wanna elaborate what happened next coz it was so embarassing and traumatic... now you know that palengkes are a NO-NO for me!!! MORAL of the story: yan ang napapala nang tatangatanga!!! haay... oh no its past 9:30 nd i still have classes... so gotta go... till later... mmmmuuuuaaah!!!

Mr. New Guy 101

2004-07-23T21:47:00.000-07:00

Hey! i promised to tell you guys about Mr. New Guy but i guess I have to tell you about him bit by bit... meaning... one characteristic per post?!! haha... para youll be intrigued that youd read what i post each time... ok.. here it goes... wait one physical and one personality wise ok? physical... hmmm... well youd surely say... "hmmm"... to this guy. Why? coz he's sooo yummy!!! he's a winner in a sense that he gives importance to his body and appearance... yes, he goes to the gym weekly but he does not look like a wrestler na sa sobrang buff... toned and firm muscles i guess... I wonder what he looks like wearing those hawaiian board shorts... only those on a hot summer, damn!! my god girls, hes sooo bango!!! he has a good choice of perfume which will make you drool... haha... i cant tell you what brand but i can tell you how much... its 3 thou+ for the biggest bottle, the 150 ml i think and the smallest for 2 thou+... he invests on his perfume that lasts for like hours! that is a total turn on!!! ok, enough of that. Personality... well since ive only known this guy just recently, i have to say he can carry out a conversation, any topic you give this guy he can talk about it without hesitation even chick stuff!! isnt that nice? that just means this guy is open minded. you can also conclude that this guy isnt a bird brain!! but one thing i noticed about this guy is that you have to set his mood also... if hes tired, hes tired, kahit mangulit ka pa, if hes bad trip or tired you cant change that... so ryt timing is the key!! well, i guess thats it for now... more tomorrow... god.. parting is such sweet sorrow... but wait, just to give you guys a thought... do opposites really attract? hahaha!!! mmmuuuaaahh!!!

lucky ol' me??!

2004-07-23T19:05:00.000-07:00

i told you guys a while ago that i took a cab home... actually i found myself talking to the taxi driver on my way... he was asking me how much my tuition fee is... keeping in mind the fear of getting kidnapped i lied by saying its 30 thou... when in fact it was way more than 30, a comment of his strucked me, he told me... "wow... yaman niyo"... i was taken aback coz i never realized things that way. He kept on telling me that we were mayaman for we can afford the tuition fee... He even computed a rough estimate of my tuition fee for the whole 4 years of nursing... Learning bout humility, i kept saying "hindi po kami mayaman". He even told me madami daw gustong magkasakit kapag naging nurse na ako. Finally arriving at my place, he said this last comment... "Iha, mayaman ka nga, ganda ng bahay niyo, dami niyo pang sasakyan, ang swerte mo." I hurriedly paid him and ran fast inside. God, it totally gave me the creeps. I felt I was going to be kidnapped or robbed. But after hours of hearing the comments made... it finally hit me... am i really lucky? lucky because according to him, i was financially stable and fortunate looking? I resent the comments actually because he just sees the superficiality in me... If you see things deeper, im not as lucky as it seems... being financially stable is because of my parents hardwork... not something that we got overnight... fortunate looking? because my parents are both normal and healthy and that i have every opportunity to pamper myself. I guess for some people im lucky and yes i guess i am in those aspects but its not all that... i guess im just blessed... blessed is different from lucky because luck is given to those who deserve it but in this case i dont think i deserve all these... God is just good to give me what i have that is why i am THANKFUL!! AMEN!!! hahaha!! anyway, i was watching angelina jolie my total gal crush a while ago as LARA CROFT. She was doing this scene, the one with her in harnesses ?! it was so cool and it inspired me to get into the same thing. actually its one form of this new sport or i guess craze i saw in discovery... i just forgot what its called... its the same principle but you move in rhythm... and you do it in the side of the mountain, the smooth, flat, stone side i mean... you dance, flip, jump, glide etc in rhythm while you are in harnesses... its like your rapelling but you dont go down... you move rhythmically. its so cool coz its a form of expression and it makes you one with nature... they did it in the stone mountain near the ocean so its really amazing... i doubt that there is such here but i guess i just have to stick with my climbing and rapelling first... but before that i have to lose weight... so wish me luck... its been a year now that i stopped engaging into my sports because of personal reasons and yeah..yeah... the weight too... I still have a lot of things to tell you but i guess later na lang... I promise to tell you nga pala bout Mr. New Guy so till later... mmuaah!!

just got home...

2004-07-23T15:23:00.000-07:00

hey just got home... as in im still in uniform while typing this... anyway its the last day of our prelims, but i cant tell if i did good.. i guess in some subjects... ok id tell you in detail about my day... went up, drank milk, took a bath, head to school and took my first test of the day which is Sining sa Pakikipagtalastasan, in short, Filipino. How the hell am i suppose to know which "diin" in words i have to use. there is like malumay, maragsa, mabilis and malumi. What the f*** kaya?!!! i forgot all about it coz i took it pa way back in highschool? or gradeschool!! oh well nevertheless still survived. Before Filipino though I had to pass my prelim paper in PHILO, yes, which i am taking again for some lame reason... its about DATING!!! and ofcourse I had to recall and state the most recent date i had,if you call it a date coz it was with a friend. Actually somebody i just met... well the essence of the paper is that you date for Companionship. you know a person you can share whatever with and with the both of you not rushing things... know what im really glad that i met this guy for he taught me not to rush things and all.. and that he is like a challenge to me... you all know i love challenges... normally i date and it turns out into something romantic but with this guy, hindi ata umubra charms ko, oh well its nice coz he still is a good friend... nakakatuwa, and we share the same interests pa... haay... oh ok enough of that... well next test is Chem Lab... which is sobrang easy!!! siempre i reviewed for that... i love computing how many drops per minute in 1 liter of dextrose in 24 hours... hahaha!! geek... after the test is our Hallmarks which is you study the background, history, hymn, yada.. yada...yada... of the school... the test is that you recite the Logo Rationale and the Credo of S.I.S.C and i got a 100!!! yahoo!!! then after i went home and here i am... i even took a cab just to go home which is like 2 kilometers away from school... its not being maarte, its practical coz i spend the same fare riding the tricycle, 40 bucks lang kaya from my school till BF... so i know youd rather take the cab than the tricycle right? i have a lot of realizations to tell you and id make kwento about my crush... Mr. New Guy... but later na lang coz im tired... sleepy pa po ako... hey keep bloggin ok... your comments pls... mmmuuaaah!!

forgot to tell you...

2004-07-22T19:20:00.000-07:00

hey i had the weirdest dream the other night... the guy i just met, a friend so to speak was my boyfriend daw... yucky... guys wish me luck, im planning to take a scholarship grant so i possibly wont stay here for long... di naman niyo ko mamimiss e... haay... but dont forget to celebrate velentines with me still ok? PARTY!!!! by the way, somebody said I looked like the girl from the ponds commercial, yung "just got back from the states" pretty ba yun? do i seriously look like her? di kaya... anyway your comments dont forget.... id expect your comments ok?

total bummer!!!

2004-07-22T03:46:00.000-07:00

haay... just finished all my assignments and studying for prelims... got acquainted with a friend and saw this blog so better try it daw coz im not into friendster... oh well i have to watch cat woman next week so CALLING OUT PEOPLE who wants to watch with me!!! id post a lot of stuff here guys so dont worry!!! Hanap niyo ko ng peter parker ko!!! puhleese... By the way I miss my UST friends... Visit niyo ko here!! Id love to hear comments bout what i post so feel free!!! Lapit na b-day ng AHIA ko Sept. 17!!! Party!!! Ey Yoko punta states so please give me a good reason not to go there!!! oh its a total bummer coz im stuck at home and walang boys!! the last guy na pinakilala saken ni ahia was kinda touchy!!! oh god... im tired of beinn alone!!!! hahaha!! guys mike wants me back... oh no... and he knows im dating na daw... di kaya date yun!! advice!!! mmuaah!!